


my ashtray heart

by adelaidebabe (soulless_slut)



Series: trans alec collection [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (I think?), (Wow that's a tag?), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Asexual Character, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Character Study, Demiromanic Character, Gen, One-Sided Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Trans Alec Lightwood, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-16 20:45:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7284130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulless_slut/pseuds/adelaidebabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When he tries to talk to Izzy about how he feels, stumbling and hesitating over his words, she shakes her head fondly at him. Smiles. Tells him, ‘There’s a reason the internet exists, Alec.’ There’s some weird sort of knowing look on her face, like she knows exactly what he’s talking about.</p><p>But when he asks, ‘Do you know what’s wrong with me?’ he’s not surprised that she clicks her tongue.</p><p>‘There’s nothing wrong with you, big brother.’”<br/>-<br/>aka: my demiro ace trans Alec headcanon in fic form</p>
            </blockquote>





	my ashtray heart

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really insecure about this. but i finally got inspiration for this and i finished it surprisingly quickly. it's not beta read, but hopefully any mistakes aren't too bad. i have no idea when in canon (with the tv show) it is, but there's some references to stuff in this. disclaimer: i'm cis, so please feel free to correct me on anything.

It’s his routine almost every morning. Come up with his defining factor.

He has a list taped to his mirror, words crossed out and rewritten and crossed out again.

 _I’m trans_.

No. That’s not his defining factor. Alec sighs, straightens himself again and looks at himself in the mirror.

Defining factor.

 _I’m in love with Jace_.

He screws up his face. That’s worse. Again.

 _I’m a Shadowhunter_.

Better.

 _I’m gay_.

And he’s back over the line.

 _I’m an older brother_.

Perfect. That’s the right side of the line to be in.

 _I kick demon ass_.

 _I defend mundanes_.

 _I’m an asshole_. _Sometimes_.

That one actually causes him to smile at himself.

 _I’m strong_.

Saying that to himself, Alec almost discounts it. And then he doesn’t. He breathes in, squares his shoulders, looks at himself straight in the mirror, and says it out loud: “I’m strong.”

He almost wanted to discount it because runes make him strong. But he’s not sure if, when it first came to mind, if he meant it physically—or if he meant it mentally and emotionally. He used to think he had to be strong in the way that Jace is strong: cocky and cold, unattached. He was alright at the cold and unattached part, but not so much the cocky part. He supposed it was easier to be cocky when people kept reinforcing it.

 _I’m strong_.

He tries to tell himself that he’s lying to himself, but it doesn’t work. Because a part of him, this tiny, loud part of him, believes it to be true.

Alec smiles. And it’s real. He grabs a pen and scribbles, STRONG, on the list on his mirror, the letters bigger than previous words before.

—

The day Clary Fairchild waltzed into his life is the day Alec realized that, despite being parabatai, he might not always be the most important person in Jace’s life. Might not even be that now.

It’s a sobering thought, a hurtful thought, but he doesn’t let it show. Having a blank face is an art he’s mastered.

Well, alright, maybe he doesn’t hide his distaste of Clary as much as he would like to and his attempts to disguise it as just his general hatred of mundanes doesn’t work, but it’s the best he could try to do.

Honestly, though, he doesn’t care much if Clary knows how much he hates—dislikes—her.

But he does care about Jace.

And having Jace scream in his face—“Alec, stop!”—is not something he particularly enjoys. He barely manages to hide the hurt. Just pauses and leaves. Can feel the strain on his and Jace’s bond, but he’s not the one who started straining it.

—

Sometimes he thinks something’s wrong with him.

He knows he’s gay. Well, he assumes. Because of how far gone he is on Jace.

But he’s never had a crush—ugly word—on anyone else, can’t remember liking anyone. Even before he came out. He remembers playing with other Shadowhunter children years before, remembers sharing a toy with the son of a Penhallow—or maybe he wasn’t a Penhallow.

But what Alec remembers, after giving the toy to him and getting a promise of it being returned, was his parents cooing over their “beautiful daughter” who was sure to be a “heartbreaker.” At the time that hadn’t made sense to him and now it doesn’t either. He’d had no interest in Penhallow, had never acted as if there were such an interest, but his parents had been sure to tell the boy’s father about how their children had “their own little date. And it wouldn’t it just be the cutest if they dated when they were older?”

Alec could barely talk at that age—not from lack of ability, but more of a lack of wanting to—and his parents had already determined his sexuality and who would be a prime candidate for him to marry.

Thinking of Penhallow, Alec smirks to himself; imagine seeing him again now.

There’s a big difference between who Alec was in that playpen and who he is now.

Other than his parents wishing a crush on him, Alec doesn’t remember liking anyone else until Jace came to live with them. And even then it took time. Years. They were parabatai before Alec realized exactly why his heart beat faster when he was near Jace. It wasn’t because of training.

How can something else be wrong with him? He’s trans, he’s gay, and now he doesn’t even get the most basic of human emotions—a crush? Is he just so hooked on Jace that the prospect of anyone else is impossible?

—

No, it’s not.

—

At least, until he embarrasses the absolute shit out of himself in front of Magnus and Jace, and even Clary fucking Fairchild. With the memory demon. He wishes he could go back in time and take back his reaction. Act like the memory of Jace he involuntarily offered up was from the same familial feelings that caused a memory of himself to be Izzy’s offering. They’re siblings. If he hadn’t instantly freaked out, everything would have been fine.

Clary would’ve gotten her memories back.

Jace probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Izzy would still look at him, knowingly, but that’s not any different from how it already is.

Maybe he wouldn’t have been so afraid of Magnus after. Maybe.

—

What he feels for Magnus isn’t what he feels for Jace.

It’s hard to explain.

It’s different, but it feels like there’s a chance for it to be the same.

He isn’t completely sure he has a crush, so to speak, on Magnus. More like, if he gets to know him, if they talk more, he could trust him. And then the crush would show up.

He thinks that’s how it happened with Jace.

When he tries to talk to Izzy about it, stumbling and hesitating over his words, she shakes her head fondly at him. Smiles. Tells him, “There’s a reason the internet exists, Alec.” There’s some weird sort of knowing look on her face, like she knows exactly what he’s talking about.

But when he asks, “Do you know what’s wrong with me?” he’s not surprised that she clicks her tongue.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, big brother.”

—

He doesn’t really get up the nerve to type into Google his feelings. He resigns himself to never knowing why he feels how he feels, but then.

He’s entering his room after dinner. Notices a piece of paper taped to the top of laptop. Leans over his desk to read it.

 _You’re hopeless without me_. He recognizes Izzy’s handwriting. _Try demiromantic_.

Alec pulls the note off with a smile, deciding to do just that, when he realizes there’s another note underneath. The writing is a little more slanted, like Izzy had decided last minute to add this note and was in some kind of hurry.

 _Search asexual while you’re at it_.

—

He thought he’d find the science term, but, surprisingly, that’s not one of the first results to pop up.

—

He thinks it’s a little scary how Izzy seems to know more about him than he does.

—

He’s on his bed, arms behind his head as he thinks.

Alec closes his eyes. Sees Magnus. Quickly opens them again. He sighs.

He feels like he should tell him. Like he owes it to him or something. But how could he? Telling him is opening some can of worms that he doesn’t want opened yet—especially if said can doesn’t even need to be opened. Magnus is a Downworlder. A Warlock. Immortal. The odds are great that he’ll tire of Alec eventually, and Alec will have never needed to tell him.

But he still feels like he needs to. As a pre-warning of, Hey. This is what you’re getting into. You’re showing interest in a guy who was born—in a guy who—

Alec sighs. He’s nearly convinced himself to get up off his bed and call Magnus, when Izzy strolls into his room, smiling and saying, “Hello, big brother.”

Alec scowls, rolls his eyes and pretends to be annoyed, but he isn’t. As Izzy starts talking, Alec focuses on what she calls him and silently thanks her for reminding him that he doesn’t owe anyone shit.

Not even Magnus Bane.

—

The one comforting thought Alec has is that all he has to is explain to Magnus that he’s ace.

(He’s slightly, stupidly proud of himself for using the more common version of the word.)

But all he has to do is explain that to Magnus and they won’t have sex. So Magnus won’t even need to know. And if Magnus can’t accept that sex isn’t going to be happening, well.

Magnus still won’t even need to know.

—

But the stupid, damn thought won’t leave him alone.

He _trusts_ Magnus. He knows that. He understands his feelings now and he knows what his now-really-obvious—stuttering and clumsy obvious—crush means.

He wants to tell him.

The thought winds him, makes his veins feel icy.

But he wants to tell him. Not out of some weird feeling of owing Magnus—he scoffs at this, because thinking it is acting as if he’s been lying and he hasn’t—“the truth”. He _wants_ to.

Because, as much as he pretends different, it’s a part of who he is. A part that he doesn’t need to be ashamed of. Something Izzy had been trying her hardest to help him realize.

He needs to know what kind of person Magnus is. He doesn't know what he’ll do if Magnus disappoints him, but he’s also surprisingly sure that he won’t.

—

It’s amazing to trust someone who isn’t his sister or brothers, and have that trust rewarded.

—

Alec doesn’t actually hate Clary.

He wishes he could. Wishes he did.

(Her vampire friend, though, he’s a different story.)

He tells her that one day, when they’re sparring. Her shocks halts her for so long he’s able to get the upper hand again. After, Clary hugs him. She’s small, so she doesn’t try to put her arms around his neck, just around his waist. It surprises him. A lot.

Eventually, he hugs her back.

—

He’s still not sure why.

—

At some point, Alec realizes that he’s happy.

Not that he wasn’t before, but this happy.

It’s different.

—

He’s sitting with Izzy on his bed, his arm around her as she leans into him. Max is asleep on Alec’s bed, hair mussed and mouth open.

Alec is surprised how taken Max is with Magnus, and vice versa. Alec and Izzy had been in charge of watching their little brother and, as guilty as Alec felt bringing him to Magnus’s, they had had plans.

But Magnus hadn’t cared. He entertained Max with his magic, smiling and having fun.

Alec loves how much he can laugh around Magnus. And he knows through talks with him, talks that he’s not sure he would have with Izzy, that part of why Alec feels wrong a lot of the time is his parents. He knows Izzy feels the same way, which is why he’s not sure he’d want to talk to her about it. This is something he thinks he wants to trust Magnus and only Magnus with.

Through Magnus and Izzy, of course, and even Max and Jace—and Clary, though Alec will vehemently deny it—Alec thinks he can begin to stop feeling wrong and miserable. Stop having his parents words in his head all the time.

He’s got his arm around Izzy and Max is asleep in his bed. It’s been a long day.

Alec is happy.

—

“Thank you, Izzy,” he finally says.

She leans into him a little more and he thinks he can feel her smile.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she says. It’s something she’s told him many times before, but he thinks.

Alec thinks he’ll be able to believe her now.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, big brother,” she says again. “It just took you a little longer to figure that out.”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @ [dfabalec](http://dfabalec.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


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